


Studies in the Workings of the Mind

by cowboylakay



Category: Community (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mutual Pining, POV Alternating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-24
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-15 00:55:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29675940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cowboylakay/pseuds/cowboylakay
Summary: hi i still writei’mcowboylakayon tumblr
Relationships: Abed Nadir/Jeff Winger
Comments: 8
Kudos: 20





	Studies in the Workings of the Mind

“You’ve done this before?”

_ Yes, _ Abed thinks,  _ I’ve done this so many times that the number’s lost to me, but never with you. I don’t know when I started wanting it to be with you. I don’t know why I want it to be with you. _

“Yeah.” A beat. “Do you want me to take the lead?”

Another beat. Neither of them seems to breathe. “Yes.”

_ Good, _ Abed thinks,  _ let me take care of you. I know what to do, but at the same time, I don’t, because it’s you. I’m glad I’m doing this with you. I wish we could do this again. I wish we could do more than just this. I wish I could hold your hand and call you mine and kiss you. _

He doesn’t kiss him. They talk some more, they fuck, and then it’s over.

—

“Hey, Jeff.”

_ I like the sound of my name in your mouth, _ Jeff thinks,  _ I think you make it sound like my name’s worth saying. I don’t know how to tell you this. I don’t know how to tell you anything. I wish I could tell you, but I don’t want to ruin what we have. I wish you could just read my thoughts like I used to think you’d do, and I wish you could read between the lines so I don’t have to say it out loud. _

“Hey.” A beat. He doesn’t want to seem overeager. “Are we meeting again later?” He fucked it up.

“If you want.” It isn’t a yes. Jeff wishes it was a yes.

“Okay.” He’ll go anyways. Maybe they can just sit and talk and watch a movie. Go back to being friends without the sex. It’ll be better for his heart.

They fuck again when he gets there, and because he’s a coward, he doesn’t say anything. He goes home the same night and sits in his car for an hour when he pulls up to his parking space. He thinks about how Abed had been gentle with him. He thinks about his touch long after.

—

“What exactly do you want from me?”

The question feels accusatory, but Jeff knows Abed doesn’t mean it like that. Jeff knows Abed in a multitude of ways, most recently intimately, but his throat still locks up and his hands still sweat when Abed asks that question.

“I don’t know.”  _ That’s a lie. I want you so bad in ways I know I shouldn’t. I don’t deserve to have you like that though. Lord knows you deserve more. I wish you could just read my mind so I didn’t have to tell you. I want you. _

But Abed can’t read minds. “Okay.”

Silence falls on them. Abed is looking at him like he’s waiting for more. Jeff can’t bring himself to look at Abed’s too earnest eyes or the firm set of his lips.

“See you on Monday.” Then Jeff leaves. He feels Abed’s eyes on him until he rounds the corner. He feels like screaming.

—

“Fuck,  _ fuck, _ Abed, I’m close—”

Abed takes him in his mouth, and Jeff loses all coherent thought. He moans, interspersed with things he definitely doesn’t realise he’s saying. “Christ,  _ Abed, _ shit—  _ fuck,  _ I love you, right there—”

Abed’s mind latches onto the last part, and somehow that’s what sends him over the edge.

_ Did I hear him right? That had to be it. Does he realise? He’s never said that before. Please be real. _

Jeff pants as he lays back on the bed, sweaty and satisfied. Abed looks at him with hopeful eyes.

“You’re very talkative, you know.”  _ Should I tell him? _ “When we’re having sex.”

“Um, yeah. I don’t realise it most of the time.”  _ It’s the most honest you get. Tell me it’s true. _ “I... I should go. I have, um, a long day tomorrow.”

_ Don’t go yet, please. _ “You can stay the night, you know. We’re friends, before whatever we’re doing here.”  _ I want to hold you so badly. I know it’ll scare you away though, so I don’t. _

Jeff looks at him with a small smile, but the hurt is evident on his face, even to Abed. He shakes his head almost sadly. “It’s fine. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

He pulls on his shirt by the time he’s out the door. Abed stares blankly at it, feeling a tightness in his chest and throat. He swallows dryly, goes on autopilot to replace his sheets and toss them in his hamper, cleans himself up without looking at the mirror. He looks up at the ceiling.

_ Goddamnit. _

—

“We need to talk.”

Jeff freezes up at the words, hands tightening as he swallows heavily. _It’s about us, isn’t it? He wants to stop this,_ Jeff thinks. He turns to look at Abed, who’s looking up at him. People are bustling about the hallway, and Jeff wills away the deer-in-headlights expression on his face. “Okay. About what?”

“Not here.”  _ Fuck, it  _ is  _ about this. _ “Follow me.”

Jeff wordlessly complies, following Abed as they weave through people and hallways. Greendale has never felt bigger than in this moment. His heart is pounding to the point he’s convinced Abed can hear it, from the way he glances back at Jeff from the corner of his eye.

They come to a stop at an empty classroom. There’s film equipment all about the room, and Jeff realises this is the film class’ room, a class Abed never has on a Tuesday. Jeff thinks he might rattle out of his body.

Abed shuts the door behind them, sitting on a table as Jeff stands in front of him. Jeff somewhat feels like a child being reprimanded, but when he looks at Abed’s expression, it’s so  _ open. _ Jeff has never seen Abed look so bare, even when they fuck. It’s like a wall has come down, and Jeff is seeing the  _ real _ Abed.

Abed’s eyes are on him, dark like cocoa and as sincere as the green grass. It hurts his heart, curls a tight fist around it and crushes it. He knows he’s been hurting Abed, but he’s not sure in what way.

“What are we doing here, Jeff?”

Jeff doesn’t know what to say. The truth feels thick in his mouth like medicinal syrup, and the lies feel like embers and ashes on his tongue. He feels panic rise from within him, and he wants to  _ run, _ but he knows there’s no going back. This is the point of no return.

“Jeff?”  _ Goddamnit, say something. _

“I’m in love with you.”  _ Too much, that was too much, you’re fucking this up, stop talking— _ “I’ve been in love with you this whole time. I thought if we kept having sex that the feeling would go away, or that you would get tired of me and move on to someone more emotionally open. It’s what you’d deserve.”

Abed’s lip quivers slightly, arms crossed over his chest. “You don’t get to decide what I do or don’t deserve.”

“I know, I’m sorry.”  _ I just can’t help but fuck everything up. I’m so sorry. _ “If you want us to stop, or if you want me to... go away, I’d like for you to tell me. I won’t hold it against you.”

“Is that what you want?” Abed looks at him so earnestly that it’s suffocating. “Do you want this to stop? Do you not want to feel like this for me?”

He doesn’t even have to think about it, and to be honest, he’s done thinking so hard about everything. “Of course not. I... I don’t know how else to say this other than... I like you. Romantically. And I tried to get over it by keeping things sexual between us and making myself more emotionally unavailable. And I’m sorry.”

Abed stands up, stepping a little closer to Jeff. The way he’s looking at Jeff right now sparks hope in him.

_ Please be real. _

“I wish you didn’t try to push me away, and that you told me this before.” He tentatively takes Jeff’s hand, holding it gently in his. “I can’t... read people correctly. I can observe, but it’s not the same when those feelings are directed at me. I know what love looks like, but I don’t know what loving  _ me _ would look like.” He looks down at their joined hands. “I like you a lot, too. More than I think you know. And it’s scary because I’ve never felt something this strong before. But I know I want this.”

Jeff’s heart feels so full even as his mind goes empty.  _ I really want to kiss you.  _ “Can I kiss you?”

Abed replies by leaning in, and Jeff meets him halfway. No matter how naked they’ve gotten around each other or how deeply they've explored each others’ bodies, neither of those could compare to this.

**Author's Note:**

> hi i still write
> 
> i’m [cowboylakay](https://cowboylakay.tumblr.com/) on tumblr


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